I made it to one year on testosterone

Transitioning has been a complete surprise

I assumed, at the beginning, that it would feel like giving up a part of myself

Or erasing the past to make way for my future

I was prepared for it to feel like a raging battle within my soul

Instead, it feels like all facets of my life are starting to meld together

I no longer feel like a stranger in my memories

The three sides of my internal war

Who I was, who I am and who I want to be

Seem to have signed a peace treaty

I’ve grown to feel grateful for the body I was given and the time I spent in it as a woman

I can, at the same time, be grateful for my ability to change it

I can also now see that, in a way, my mother was right

I still need people like her to challenge the decisions I make

To send me a stack of pictures from when I was younger

And letters pleading not to change her baby girl

I find myself skimming through them every once in a while

Feeling blessed for the childhood my parents provided

And reminiscing about things I haven’t thought of in so long

Transitioning has helped to alleviate so much anxiety

That I now have more space to appreciate my past

And more hope for the future than I ever have

SWD 12/2020