I made it to one year on testosterone
Transitioning has been a complete surprise
I assumed, at the beginning, that it would feel like giving up a part of myself
Or erasing the past to make way for my future
I was prepared for it to feel like a raging battle within my soul
Instead, it feels like all facets of my life are starting to meld together
I no longer feel like a stranger in my memories
The three sides of my internal war
Who I was, who I am and who I want to be
Seem to have signed a peace treaty
I’ve grown to feel grateful for the body I was given and the time I spent in it as a woman
I can, at the same time, be grateful for my ability to change it
I can also now see that, in a way, my mother was right
I still need people like her to challenge the decisions I make
To send me a stack of pictures from when I was younger
And letters pleading not to change her baby girl
I find myself skimming through them every once in a while
Feeling blessed for the childhood my parents provided
And reminiscing about things I haven’t thought of in so long
Transitioning has helped to alleviate so much anxiety
That I now have more space to appreciate my past
And more hope for the future than I ever have
SWD 12/2020
‘the three sides of my inner war … seemed to have signed a peace treaty’. Maybe not an exact quote as I had to set it in my mind – but I loved those words. I’ve not been where you have, but they still resonate with my world. I’ve said it before and I guess I’ll just keep saying it – I love your words and the way you set them together. Thank you. X
LikeLiked by 1 person