FTX

I made it to one year on testosterone

Transitioning has been a complete surprise

I assumed, at the beginning, that it would feel like giving up a part of myself

Or erasing the past to make way for my future

I was prepared for it to feel like a raging battle within my soul

Instead, it feels like all facets of my life are starting to meld together

I no longer feel like a stranger in my memories

The three sides of my internal war

Who I was, who I am and who I want to be

Seem to have signed a peace treaty

I’ve grown to feel grateful for the body I was given and the time I spent in it as a woman

I can, at the same time, be grateful for my ability to change it

I can also now see that, in a way, my mother was right

I still need people like her to challenge the decisions I make

To send me a stack of pictures from when I was younger

And letters pleading not to change her baby girl

I find myself skimming through them every once in a while

Feeling blessed for the childhood my parents provided

And reminiscing about things I haven’t thought of in so long

Transitioning has helped to alleviate so much anxiety

That I now have more space to appreciate my past

And more hope for the future than I ever have

SWD 12/2020

One Comment Add yours

  1. Marilyn says:

    ‘the three sides of my inner war … seemed to have signed a peace treaty’. Maybe not an exact quote as I had to set it in my mind – but I loved those words. I’ve not been where you have, but they still resonate with my world. I’ve said it before and I guess I’ll just keep saying it – I love your words and the way you set them together. Thank you. X

    Liked by 1 person

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